Well, it has been two days short of six weeks...and a lot has happened.
First of all, on New Year's Eve I watched as a pregnancy test turned positive! By my calculations, our fourth child will be born around Labor Day. I haven't told my parents yet -- I want to have my first official prenatal appointment and see how thing are going (and make sure I am expecting one child and not twins!), and I want to try to get a little bit organized, because I don't know how my parents will react. Also, my sister is trying for her first, and I know it will be hard for her -- plus she will think that we are crazy.
It will be challenging. Financially, spacewise, with family dynamics...with my developing a career or at least a resume as a performer...with Dave and I actually getting to spend time together as a couple...BUT, I would rather live in a world where I am open to possibility and can embrace what life offers. A new human being is growing inside of me. Audrey will be a big sister, Larry a double big brother, Ia a triple big sister. We will have to get really organized, with time and space, and we will have to really treat each other with love and appreciate each other. We need to treasure each other and our relationships.
I do feel that I will know that our family is complete. It does feel complete now, but I have felt the longing for another baby.
The power is fading on the computer, so while there is time, I also want to say...
I directed an opera! "Amahl and the Night Visitors," conducted by Rachel Day Kessler, my junior high school music teacher. Ia got to sing in the chorus.
And I have vocal nodes, and have to have vocal rest through January 28th, about 20 days.
It will be challenging to be on vocal rest, especially with the kids -- and with not being able to talk on the phone with friends.
I am excited that I am pregnant. And this is the first time that I am partially keeping the news to myself for a while. I am over 40 now (conceived when I was 40, will deliver when I am 41).
And I am nervous. I know that there are more chances for issues...
---The power went off at that point last night.
So, yes, there are more chances for issues, and with or without special needs, the balance in the family will be different, forever.
But...a new life. That will change and shape all of our lives and make us grow and experience new things.
Time to be open and embrace the journey.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Friday, November 30, 2012
End of November
It has been six weeks sine I have written, but at least I am back!
Yesterday I was also really struggling, this time with anger, with the testing of both my older daughter and my son. I cried and talked to two friends about it. Today my daughter really tested me again before heading to school this morning, but I was able to stay calm through it.
We've done exciting things since I last wrote -- including going to Hawaii for a week on a family vacation -- but I have to say that I really enjoyed today, home on a rainy day with the two little ones, even sitting on the floor doing laundry (as my 15-month old practiced her "In, in," putting clothes -- and toys -- in the basket.
There are still many things that I need to get done, but I really want to stay mindful and peaceful through it.
I think a lot of anxiety perpetuates itself. I want to let myself enjoy the days and nights as they unfold, have goals but not always feel I need to be doing something else or that I am not doing enough. I want -- choose -- to trust that I will be able to do what I need to do when I need to do it.
One of my close friends had a baby last night. I still would like to have one more baby -- I also know that my husband and I are not really prepared at this time, and that biological clock wise, sooner is rather than later. As I lay nursing my youngest, helping her down for her nap, I felt that if I am meant to have another baby, the way for it to happen is to now be present to the family that I have, and make room for another by making the most of what we have.
I need to prepare to pick my oldest up now.
It will not be another six weeks until I write again!
Yesterday I was also really struggling, this time with anger, with the testing of both my older daughter and my son. I cried and talked to two friends about it. Today my daughter really tested me again before heading to school this morning, but I was able to stay calm through it.
We've done exciting things since I last wrote -- including going to Hawaii for a week on a family vacation -- but I have to say that I really enjoyed today, home on a rainy day with the two little ones, even sitting on the floor doing laundry (as my 15-month old practiced her "In, in," putting clothes -- and toys -- in the basket.
There are still many things that I need to get done, but I really want to stay mindful and peaceful through it.
I think a lot of anxiety perpetuates itself. I want to let myself enjoy the days and nights as they unfold, have goals but not always feel I need to be doing something else or that I am not doing enough. I want -- choose -- to trust that I will be able to do what I need to do when I need to do it.
One of my close friends had a baby last night. I still would like to have one more baby -- I also know that my husband and I are not really prepared at this time, and that biological clock wise, sooner is rather than later. As I lay nursing my youngest, helping her down for her nap, I felt that if I am meant to have another baby, the way for it to happen is to now be present to the family that I have, and make room for another by making the most of what we have.
I need to prepare to pick my oldest up now.
It will not be another six weeks until I write again!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Struggling
I am really having a hard time knowing how to deal with the limit testing of my 3-year old. He wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, and he is very stubborn about it. Sometimes it can just seem silly, but it can get to the point where it is dangerous. I don't want to get overly angry at him or label him -- or let him be labeled -- as bad. How do I love him through this, and help him grow up to be an independent person who als does have consideration for people around him and respect where it is due?
Monday, October 8, 2012
Spilled Chocolate Milk and an Evening to Remember
Last night, my three-year-old threw the remainder of his Happy Meal chocolate milk (bought by Grandpa) on the floor of the back of the car instead of giving it to my outstretched hand, thus dousing and staining a bag full of library books. I was not a Happy Mommy.
It is difficult to know how to deal with discipline. He does not listen to me or follow instructions enough, and there are times that there can be real consequences of that, on different levels. And unfortunately often there are other things going on, so my whole devotion is not focused on inculcating societal norms. My tools feel limited sometimes, whether is is impaired breath and holding my one year old or plans that we have that I don't want to give up to teach a lesson at this minute.
On the other hand, I got to go out for "An Evening to Remember" at the Cosmopolitan Cabaret tonight and enjoy a fantastic show. To be completely honest, I was not completely looking forward to it, because once upon a time I was invited to sing in the show, and with other things going on that invitation slipped through the cracks and was forgotten. But the person who originally invited me to sing graciously offered me a ticket to the show, and it ended up being one of the best tickets in the house, at a table right in front. I really worked beforehand, on the way there, to take on the best of what I once wanted to be as a nun, to be open to the moment and to the singers and not to hold on to any tension or jealousy, and I think I was able to really open up and be present and enjoy the uniqueness and power of every singer.
Now I better get to bed, the better to handle all of my responsibilities -- and joys -- tomorrow.
It is difficult to know how to deal with discipline. He does not listen to me or follow instructions enough, and there are times that there can be real consequences of that, on different levels. And unfortunately often there are other things going on, so my whole devotion is not focused on inculcating societal norms. My tools feel limited sometimes, whether is is impaired breath and holding my one year old or plans that we have that I don't want to give up to teach a lesson at this minute.
On the other hand, I got to go out for "An Evening to Remember" at the Cosmopolitan Cabaret tonight and enjoy a fantastic show. To be completely honest, I was not completely looking forward to it, because once upon a time I was invited to sing in the show, and with other things going on that invitation slipped through the cracks and was forgotten. But the person who originally invited me to sing graciously offered me a ticket to the show, and it ended up being one of the best tickets in the house, at a table right in front. I really worked beforehand, on the way there, to take on the best of what I once wanted to be as a nun, to be open to the moment and to the singers and not to hold on to any tension or jealousy, and I think I was able to really open up and be present and enjoy the uniqueness and power of every singer.
Now I better get to bed, the better to handle all of my responsibilities -- and joys -- tomorrow.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Home Church
I decided to read the Children's Bible to the kids at home today before taking Ia to Sunday School and singing at mass myself today instead of our all going to church, and then we all met at the pool the last day that it was open. It actually was a much more relaxing day.
Audrey is so cute when she relaxes in her Daddy's arms and floats. It reminds me of when I did the same thing as a little girl.
I sang Rose's Turn at Headhunters last night for a friend's birthday party, after a stressful evening where I felt pushed aside. I kicked butt on the song, and it felt good. Vindicating.
Had a really interesting conversation -- two really interesting conversations -- while I was out. It is good to be able to unfold my wings.
I was also really glad to be able to go out twice (!) with Dave last week -- drinks and dinner cmoprised of appetizers on Thursday, and then dinner at a Greek restaurant -- where I ended up singing -- on Friday. Friday night I felt as close and relaxed as I have in a while, later in the evening, after we were back at home.
It i 11 pm, and I need to make Ia's lunch.
we decided she will not continue Chinese. It is not a good match. I wrote to the people involved to let them know, but I haven't had any direct contact with them yet.
I hope to have further communication with Blithe from Art Beast about teaching there.
I better be getting up and getting ready for bed and for tomorrow.
First -- a parishioner told me today that I not only was a good singer but -- she raised her arms tas aI do -- that my presence makes a difference, that I embody it. That made me feel good. I had a frog in my throat I struggled through today, but I am so glad I was able to be present -- to embody God's word.
I just don't know what to do when the lyrics are something that I think could be used in a destructive way. I don't want to be a vehicle for that.
Listening to the sermon today, there were things that spoke to me and things that I thought were badly put or that I saw the potential for a destructive application.
I believe some truths can be difficult, but beneficial.
I also think that people in authority can try to enforce something that is wrong, or enforce it wrongly. I think that I am a sinner, but I do not believe that everything that is seen as a sin is necessarily a sin.
I don't believe that gays and lesbians should have to spend the rest of their lives alone in order to be in God's good graces, and I think it is dangerous to "come out" if it will just put a target on you, and I think it is destructive to put people in that position.
The Pope has appointed the architect of Prop 8 for the San Francisco church, who says that gays and lesbians who are not celibate should be denied communion. Is her saying that is true for every non-virginal married person? How id he making that determinatino? Is this something where he thinks they should self-excommunicate, decide that they are not worthy?
If somone is know as gay or lesbian, and come to church with another person of the same sex, would it be assumed -- or asked -- if they have a sexual relationship? Is the same thing done for heterosexuals?
"There are people out there / unafraid of revealing / that they might have a feeling / or they might have been wrong..."
In what issues has the Church admitted they have been wrong in the past, or changed their views or however they want to put it?
How is it even possible that a woman wanting to become a priest would be put in the same category in the church as a pedophile?
Ia likes taking the online quizzes for religion class, because she likes getting the right answers. I want to teach her what I was taught -- that, sometimes, the answer to everything is "it depends," that nothing is black and white, that institutions are corrupt. Yet I also want her to be able to build on what she does believe in, to have a faith. But I do think that simplistic faith can be dangerous.
Yet she asked great questions about God creating the flood before Noah's arc. She saw that as one of God's mistakes.
I want to encourage her questioning, and her seeking answers that can deepen over time. I want her to be able to be comfortable with the incompleteness of her knowledge, and not just be excited about getting 10 out of 10 on a multiple choice quiz that is ridiculously easy.
Audrey is so cute when she relaxes in her Daddy's arms and floats. It reminds me of when I did the same thing as a little girl.
I sang Rose's Turn at Headhunters last night for a friend's birthday party, after a stressful evening where I felt pushed aside. I kicked butt on the song, and it felt good. Vindicating.
Had a really interesting conversation -- two really interesting conversations -- while I was out. It is good to be able to unfold my wings.
I was also really glad to be able to go out twice (!) with Dave last week -- drinks and dinner cmoprised of appetizers on Thursday, and then dinner at a Greek restaurant -- where I ended up singing -- on Friday. Friday night I felt as close and relaxed as I have in a while, later in the evening, after we were back at home.
It i 11 pm, and I need to make Ia's lunch.
we decided she will not continue Chinese. It is not a good match. I wrote to the people involved to let them know, but I haven't had any direct contact with them yet.
I hope to have further communication with Blithe from Art Beast about teaching there.
I better be getting up and getting ready for bed and for tomorrow.
First -- a parishioner told me today that I not only was a good singer but -- she raised her arms tas aI do -- that my presence makes a difference, that I embody it. That made me feel good. I had a frog in my throat I struggled through today, but I am so glad I was able to be present -- to embody God's word.
I just don't know what to do when the lyrics are something that I think could be used in a destructive way. I don't want to be a vehicle for that.
Listening to the sermon today, there were things that spoke to me and things that I thought were badly put or that I saw the potential for a destructive application.
I believe some truths can be difficult, but beneficial.
I also think that people in authority can try to enforce something that is wrong, or enforce it wrongly. I think that I am a sinner, but I do not believe that everything that is seen as a sin is necessarily a sin.
I don't believe that gays and lesbians should have to spend the rest of their lives alone in order to be in God's good graces, and I think it is dangerous to "come out" if it will just put a target on you, and I think it is destructive to put people in that position.
The Pope has appointed the architect of Prop 8 for the San Francisco church, who says that gays and lesbians who are not celibate should be denied communion. Is her saying that is true for every non-virginal married person? How id he making that determinatino? Is this something where he thinks they should self-excommunicate, decide that they are not worthy?
If somone is know as gay or lesbian, and come to church with another person of the same sex, would it be assumed -- or asked -- if they have a sexual relationship? Is the same thing done for heterosexuals?
"There are people out there / unafraid of revealing / that they might have a feeling / or they might have been wrong..."
In what issues has the Church admitted they have been wrong in the past, or changed their views or however they want to put it?
How is it even possible that a woman wanting to become a priest would be put in the same category in the church as a pedophile?
Ia likes taking the online quizzes for religion class, because she likes getting the right answers. I want to teach her what I was taught -- that, sometimes, the answer to everything is "it depends," that nothing is black and white, that institutions are corrupt. Yet I also want her to be able to build on what she does believe in, to have a faith. But I do think that simplistic faith can be dangerous.
Yet she asked great questions about God creating the flood before Noah's arc. She saw that as one of God's mistakes.
I want to encourage her questioning, and her seeking answers that can deepen over time. I want her to be able to be comfortable with the incompleteness of her knowledge, and not just be excited about getting 10 out of 10 on a multiple choice quiz that is ridiculously easy.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Church & Pony Rides
Another Sunday...smiling to the turning people as Larry yelled "Let go of me!" in church...but when we are out by the fountain, or in the "crying room," he can be peaceful and ask some good questions, like why there were canldes on the altar -- "Is it to celebrate Jesus' birthday?"
He acted out in the park when some girls were mean to him, and Dave had to take him and Audrey out of the park early...
We did go to "Family Fun Day," and although there were also behavior moments there for both Ia and Larry, we had the high light of a pony ride for each of the three of them...probably the only year they will all three be able to go...
Need to sleeep.
Looking forward to actually getting to go on a date with Dave...friends of the family have offered to babysit all three kids so we can go out to dinner...we really need it.
Later!
He acted out in the park when some girls were mean to him, and Dave had to take him and Audrey out of the park early...
We did go to "Family Fun Day," and although there were also behavior moments there for both Ia and Larry, we had the high light of a pony ride for each of the three of them...probably the only year they will all three be able to go...
Need to sleeep.
Looking forward to actually getting to go on a date with Dave...friends of the family have offered to babysit all three kids so we can go out to dinner...we really need it.
Later!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Six and a half
Celebrated Ia's half birthday today by taking her out to Leatherby's for a sundae. We started celebrating her half birthday when she was 2 1/2 and we were in Chicago but knew we would be moving before her 3rd birthday, and we went out with her best friend gracie for cupcakes, after Ia and I went out for a manicure, Ia in her plastic dress up "flip flop: (her name for high heel shoes)...hard to believe that was four years ago, when she ate all the frosting of the cupcake at Julius Meinel's but smashed the cupcake on the table and under the table...
Today Dave took Larry and and Audrey to the Railroad Museum so Ia and I could have some time together, and I am thrilled that had a successful, fun outing. They went to the museum, on the excursion train ride ("We rode on the BiG train," Larry said, eyes sparkling, for the first of 3 fun things today.) Audrey waved excitedly on the train, even when there was no one to wave to. They also wen tout to ice cream. I'm just so glad they had a good time together.
Ia and I went to McDonald's for lunch (dollar menu!), over to Leatherby's, and then to Barnes and Noel to finally use Ia's gift certificate from having her book win 3rd place in the KVIE Kids/PBS Go! Writers' Contest, and then grocery shopping, so we go that done for the weekend. Ia chose a moving model of a T Rex and a Merida book.
After reconnecting with Audrey, went swimming and completed mile 85.
Tired.
Really hoping church goes well tomorrow. Probably should get sleep now.
Today Dave took Larry and and Audrey to the Railroad Museum so Ia and I could have some time together, and I am thrilled that had a successful, fun outing. They went to the museum, on the excursion train ride ("We rode on the BiG train," Larry said, eyes sparkling, for the first of 3 fun things today.) Audrey waved excitedly on the train, even when there was no one to wave to. They also wen tout to ice cream. I'm just so glad they had a good time together.
Ia and I went to McDonald's for lunch (dollar menu!), over to Leatherby's, and then to Barnes and Noel to finally use Ia's gift certificate from having her book win 3rd place in the KVIE Kids/PBS Go! Writers' Contest, and then grocery shopping, so we go that done for the weekend. Ia chose a moving model of a T Rex and a Merida book.
After reconnecting with Audrey, went swimming and completed mile 85.
Tired.
Really hoping church goes well tomorrow. Probably should get sleep now.
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