Home Church

I decided to read the Children's Bible to the kids at home today before taking Ia to Sunday School and singing at mass myself today instead of our all going to church, and then we all met at the pool the last day that it was open.  It actually was a much more relaxing day.

Audrey is so cute when she relaxes in her Daddy's arms and floats.  It reminds me of when I did the same thing as a little girl.

I sang Rose's Turn at Headhunters last night for a friend's birthday party, after a stressful evening where I felt pushed aside.  I kicked butt on the song, and it felt good.  Vindicating.

Had a really interesting conversation  -- two really interesting conversations -- while I was out. It is good to be able to unfold my wings.

I was also really glad to be able to go out twice (!) with Dave last week -- drinks and dinner cmoprised of appetizers on Thursday, and then dinner at a Greek restaurant -- where I ended up singing -- on Friday. Friday night I felt as close and relaxed as I have in a while, later in the evening, after we were back at home.

It i 11 pm, and I need to make Ia's lunch.

we decided she will not continue Chinese.  It is not a good match.  I wrote to the people involved to let them know, but I haven't had any direct contact with them yet.

I hope to have further communication with Blithe from Art Beast about teaching there.

I better be getting up and getting ready for bed and for tomorrow.

First -- a parishioner told me today that I not only was a good singer but -- she raised her arms tas aI  do -- that my presence makes a difference, that I embody it.  That made me feel good.  I had a frog in my throat I struggled through today, but I am so glad I was able to be present -- to embody God's word.

I just don't know what to do when the lyrics are something that I think could be used in a destructive way.  I don't want to be a vehicle for that.

Listening to the sermon today, there were things that spoke to me and things that I thought were badly put or that I saw the potential for a destructive application.

I believe some truths can be difficult, but beneficial.

I also think that people in authority can try to enforce something that is wrong, or enforce it wrongly.  I think that I am a sinner, but I do not believe that everything that is seen as a sin is necessarily a sin.

I don't believe that gays and lesbians should have to spend the rest of their lives alone in order to be in God's good graces, and I think it is dangerous to "come out" if it will just put a target on you, and I think it is destructive to put people in that position.

The Pope has appointed the architect of Prop 8 for the San Francisco church, who says that gays and lesbians who are not celibate should be denied communion.  Is her saying that is true for every non-virginal married person?  How id he making that determinatino?  Is this something where he thinks they should self-excommunicate, decide that they are not worthy?

If somone is know as gay or lesbian, and come to church with another person of the same sex, would it be assumed -- or asked -- if they have a sexual relationship?  Is the same thing done for heterosexuals?

"There are people out there / unafraid of revealing / that they might have a feeling / or they might have been wrong..."

In what issues has the Church admitted they have been wrong in the past, or changed their views or however they want to put it?

How is it even possible that a woman wanting to become a priest would be put in the same category in the church as a pedophile?

Ia likes taking the online quizzes for religion class, because she likes getting the right answers.  I want to teach her what I was taught -- that, sometimes, the answer to everything is "it depends," that nothing is black and white, that institutions are corrupt.  Yet I also want her to be able to build on what she does believe in, to have a faith.  But I do think that simplistic faith can be dangerous.

Yet she asked great questions about God creating the flood before Noah's arc.  She saw that as one of God's mistakes.

I want to encourage her questioning, and her seeking answers that can deepen over time.  I want her to be able to be comfortable with the incompleteness of her knowledge, and not just be excited about getting 10 out of 10 on a multiple choice quiz that is ridiculously easy.

Church & Pony Rides

Another Sunday...smiling to the turning people as Larry yelled "Let go of me!" in church...but when we are out by the fountain, or in the "crying room," he can be peaceful and ask some good questions, like why there were canldes on the altar -- "Is it to celebrate Jesus' birthday?"

He acted out in the park when some girls were mean to him, and Dave had to take him and Audrey out of the park early...

We did go to "Family Fun Day," and although there were also behavior moments there for both Ia and Larry, we had the high light of a pony ride for each of the three of them...probably the only year they will all three be able to go...

Need to sleeep.

Looking forward to actually getting to go on a date with Dave...friends of the family have offered to babysit all three kids so we can go out to dinner...we really need it.

Later!

Six and a half

Celebrated Ia's half birthday today by taking her out to Leatherby's for a sundae.  We started celebrating her half birthday when she was 2 1/2 and we were in Chicago but knew we would be moving before her 3rd birthday, and we went out with her best friend gracie for cupcakes, after Ia and I went out for a manicure, Ia in her plastic dress up "flip flop: (her name for high heel shoes)...hard to believe that was four years ago, when she ate all the frosting of the cupcake at Julius Meinel's but smashed the cupcake on the table and under the table...

Today Dave took Larry and and Audrey to the Railroad Museum so Ia and I could have some time together, and I am thrilled that had a successful, fun outing. They went to the museum, on the excursion train ride ("We rode on the BiG train," Larry said, eyes sparkling, for the first of 3 fun things today.)  Audrey waved excitedly on the train, even when there was no one to wave to.  They also wen tout to ice cream.  I'm just so glad they had a good time together.

Ia and I went to McDonald's for lunch (dollar menu!), over to Leatherby's, and then to Barnes and Noel to finally use Ia's gift certificate from having her book win 3rd place in the KVIE Kids/PBS Go! Writers' Contest, and then grocery shopping, so we go that done for the weekend.  Ia chose a moving model of a T Rex and a Merida book.

After reconnecting with Audrey, went swimming and completed mile 85.

Tired.

Really hoping church goes well tomorrow.  Probably should get sleep now.

"Stand With Children" does not stand with children that uses fear mongering to try to "re-evangelize" lost Catholics.  There is no desire to engage with the world, which is seen as hostile.  It aims for a "military operation in a hostile world," securing the perimeter in concentric circles.  "There are no liberal Catholics or conservative Catholics, only Catholics who are faithful or not faithful, and a faithful catholic would shed blood rather than disavow the faith.

"We have let the opposite side frame the debate."

"You score more points on offense than defense."

Scary stuff.

Church

Yesterday was really stressful.  We tried for the second week to go to church as a family -- right after the kids came home from Grandma's house -- and Ia went to Sunday school for the first time.  Ia actually did fine, but it was so difficult with Larry and to a much lesser degree Audrey!  The Children's Liturgy during mass is really aimed towards children who can already read.

I went to children's liturgy with Ia and Larry this time so that Dave could stay in church with only Audrey.  There were lots and lots of kids -- I asked one of the leaders if she would like me to start them with a song to try to get their attention and settle them down.  I sang the first verse of "Peace Like a River," and Larry garnered laughs by coming up and singing "Jingle Bells" -- while I was trying to lead "Peace Like a River."  I persevered during the song, then took him out and we went on a walk, checking out Mary's statue and the Rose fountain.  Those parts weren't actually so bad, especially checking out the sculpture of a book in the fountain (which was not running, unfortunately).  Dave then came out during the sermon because Audrey was antsy, so none of us were in church.  We went back in at the same time as Chidren's Liturgy, and I went right to "the crying room" with Larry and Audrey so that Dave could have a little peace.  Larry was loud and knocking the hymn books off the chairs and not listening to me.  Audrey wanted to nurse, which was fine but meant it was harder for me to get up and have more direct control of Larry.

Larry then went out of the door and tried to lap up some of the holy water.  Dave had already taken communion and was back in his seat.  He took Larry out for a walk, I stood with the choir holding Audrey and took communion when they did. I sat down in the front pew afterwards.  Dave came back in with a somewhat contrite Larry who leaned against me on one side, and Ia leaned on the other side.  We at least were sort of together for a tiny bit.  Larry couldn't wait to get up and push the (handicapped) button on the door to make it open.  He headed for the door as soon as church was over, and Dave rounded him up for the other direction for donuts before taking Ia to class and Larry and Audrey to the park.  In the meantime, I was left with Audrey, and there were only 10 to 15 minutes until the next mass, and we needed to practice.  I could not go to the bathroom because I had Audrey and very little time.  Dave did not come back, and did not come back, and it was almost time for mass.  I went out front to look for him, but by then he was probably taking Ia to class and was not there.  Fortunately, the father who plays the drums and leads the music at the Saturday evening mass offered to hold Audrey.  Before my cantoring actually started, with the priest and altar servers already in a circle at the back of church, Dave came back with Larry, packed Audrey up in his car seat and was on his way.  But by that time I already felt I had been through the wringer.

Dave doesn't think we should go to church together as a family any more, and says that we aren't really going as a family anyway.  I still want it to be able to go better.  I feel like there needs to be something for preschool aged children, I feel it would be helpful if friends or family could possibly come to church with us at least occasionally and support us with the kids.

Ia did do well and seemed to relatively like both Children's Liturgy and Sunday school; Audrey was pretty "good" during church; Larry was relatively good at the park afterwards...

I pray for a way to have a peaceful family Sunday, and to bring us closer to God, each other, and our community

Relativism

Thinking about the Catholdic Church's objections to relativism, that it is leading people away from the concept of objective truth - and specifically, the Catholic Churc's understanding of objective truth.

I believe that even if there is an "objective truth" applications may be different in different circumstances...and that it could be that what seems like "less than" may just be "outside of" the understood boundaries...

Thinking about marriage and what it means to be married, and the different aspects of it, and what aspects can and cannot apply to same sex couples. Same sex couples may not be "sexually complementary," and cannot conceive children thgouh the "unitive act," but every other teaching about marriage seems that it would apply...being a sign of love...growing together in love..having other ways to widen that circle of stablelove...supporting life in other ways...

There are already different callings that are understood within the church.  Being a priest or a religious or a married person or a single person that does not fall into any of these categories but is called to live out a Christioan life.  It is already recoginzed that there is more than one way to live authentically as "a child of God," and we are all called to discern not only our own gifts but our own path.  And even if we all have the same destination we can have differnt paths, and those differnt paths can be valid, and the differnt paths can be necessary in the tapestry of God's creation in time and space.

And we are not called to be successful, we are called to be faithful.  And a prophet is not a prohet because people believe, but because he -- or she -- speaks a truth.

It might be easier to abandon the whole framework of Catholicism, which I entrerd as a convert as an adult at the age of 24.    But I feel called to the cross of reconciling two opposing world views, because I do believe that it is through the different perspectives that we get a more full sense of the whole.

Scare

Had five of the worst minutes of my life today...when I was changing Audrey's diaper, Larry ran away.      He went into to the car, used the garage door opener, and literally ran away.  He was angry because he didn't get a chance to go on the swings at the park (we needed to get home soon to have lunch and pick up Ia for early day, only one swing was open, I gave Audrey the first turn and he threw wood chips at me and hit me so I told him he couldn't go on the swing), and he was determined to go by himself.  When I came out and saw the garage door open and no sign of Larry, I knew what he had done and why, and when I called him loudly and heard no response, I started getting hysterical.  Fortunately, my neighbors came through.  My next door neighbor watched Audrey -- a nearby neighbor called the sherrif's office, while another drove the neighborhood looking for him.  The mail lady found him around the block, and my neighbor across the street-- who had gone with his mother out driving -- walked Larry home, while I was on the phone with the sherriff's office.

The only times I have been close to that upset were when my OB Gyn's office told me I had had a miscarriage when I was pregnant with Ia (obviously, they were wrong, thank God) and when Larry ran away once in JC Penny's when I was very pregnant with Audrey.  But today he was out in the world, I was home alone with Audrey, and I knew that he was angry and wanted to get to the park, which could mean his trying to cross streets and just generally being alone and vulnerable out in the world with me helpless to protect him.  Terrifying, upsetting.  Thank God for the help and that he was returned to me safely and quickly.

Other things happened today, but that was the most impactful.  It made me feel so vulnerable, because I cannot be everywhere at once, and Larry is so big at getting things for himself now -- even if I had the car locked and hung up the key, he has been getting out the step stool to get things he wants.  What am I supposed to do when I need to change Audrey's diaper?  Will I ever be able to lie down with her and nurse again?  What happens if I fall asleep?

Before when it was time to go somewhere, if I said "OK, Larry, I'm going," and started walking, he would always be right there.  Now not so much.

How do I keep him safe?

Trains, Planes...

Yesterday Larry and Audrey and I went with my dad on a train advernture, just taking the light rail for the experience of it.  It was fun!  My dad brought junk food (we shouldn't have had any food on the train, I know), and I felt like a kid myself, having bites of my apple fritter as Larry had chocolate donut with sprinkles and Audrey had goldfish and we watched the world go by through the (slightly dirty) train window.  Audrey fell asleep nursing on the ride back, which was also kind of lovely.   She was also Cinderella -- she had one of her first pairs of little shoes on, and we noticed on the train that one fell off; luckily, we found it back at the station, under the bench.

Today, Larry and Audrey and I went to the Aerospace Museum.  Again, really fun.  Larry loved getting in the cockpit on the 1/5th size plane, and Audrey loved looking at the life-sized models of astronauts.  They both loved the play area upstairs.

Tomorrow Ia gets a bonus early day -- we may go to Art Beast.  It will be difficult to spend the money, and I have been thinking about whether it would be better not to, but they all do really like it, and I think it is of value, even though it is an investment.  I just don't want to feel like we have to go all the time.  It's still important to have variety, and time at home.

I love having the freedom to explore with Larry and Audrey, and I really like having the two of them.  I want to do things with all three kids when I can as well.  Anyway, I am glad that Larry is not in preschool yet.

I did get my period yesterday, so I know that I am not pregnant.  It probably is best if we do have the three.  On an immediate practical level, we are hoping to travel to Chicago next summer, and it wouldn't be possible to go if I got pregnant in the next few months, and then it would be a lot harder to travel with four and I don't know if or when we'd ever go.

I've been dealing with some disappointment over not ultimately being able to sing in a cabaret benefit I had been asked to perform in.  I"m trying to feel less dependent on any one outcome.

I did not go singing last night.  I had nothing immediately to work on, and I felt so exhausted, both from getting my period and also from being up late the night before -- actually from disillusionment.  I found out that the priest that brought me into the church was kicked out of the church for inappropriate conduct with a minor 25 years previously.  The same thing happened with my pastor in Chicago.  And the minister -- the protestant minister -- who baptized me back in college gave a sermon one Sunday about how he had always felt that he had certain spiritual gifts that he thought of as part of his calling, and then he read information about Adult Children of Alcoholics -- and he was one -- and he found that the characteristics he thought of as gifts were also seen as symptoms of being and ACoA.  The following week, he resigned.

And on that note... I am tired.

Unexpected Time

I went to sit in at my oldest daughter's Chinese class today, and I am really glad that I did, because it turned out that the class was cancelled, and my first grader would have been sitting there all alone.  The instructor had sent an email in the middle of the night, but I had not seen it.

I was glad to get the time with her.  My mom was babysitting the two little ones, so it was just the two of us together.  We sat at the bench at her school, and she snacked on a strawberry left over from her lunch and read to me the supplemental book that her teacher had given me -- read me all 72 pages.  Now granted, it was a simple book, but a lot more complicated than the copied handouts they use for the basic books, and she read with fluency and expression.  The "cool" 1st grade teacher walked by while she was reading and heard her, and walked by again when she went to the restroom and I got to tell him that she finished the whole book.  I felt really proud of her.  I know it shouldn't just be about accomplishments, but still..

I am still having trouble with the idea of too many extra curricular activities.  Daisies is supposed to start tomorrow, and I just really don't want to get involved.  For one thing it starts 50 minutes after school, and the meeting is only 45 minutes to an hour, so that means that they are waiting (and playing, but still) as long as the meeting itself...and there is that much less family time.  Is it OK to say no to things that she wants to do and are supposed to be good for her socially?  Can just school be enough for now?  The miscommunication with Chinese class made me question that too.

Daisies is a built-in-playdate for her, I know...it is only every other week...but it is also a night that I want to leave early so I can sing and get home at a reasonable time.  Am I allowed to want that?

Now I better go to sleep...

The Experience

Went to church twice with kids today -- this morning, as a whole family to our Catholic Church (which ended up meaning first Dave spending most of the time at Children's Liturgy trying to keep Larry from running amok while I went to the "Crying Room" with Audrey, and then my trying to keep Larry in the "Crying Room" as well so he didn't disrupt the rest of church.  I did get to meet and have a conversation with a mother of a three year old boy and 16-month-old boy.  Meeting another mom -- a former teacher (like me!) yet was really nice -- it terms of church, it was mostly about survival.  I'm hoping it can get better.

After some ambivalence, we have signed Ia up for religious classes so that she can have first communion in 2nd grade.  I still have difficulties with some specifics, but I -- we -- want to to be about to join the community in that way.

In the afternoon, I took Ia and Larry to The Experience, where several people I knew were singing.  Larry decided it would be fun to run away from me, so we went back to the car, and ultimately crouched on the carpeted stairs in the back, listening to the music and later reading children's books from the church.  We made it through, and I got to greet two people that I really wanted to see at the end and introduce my kids to then,

I really like the philosophy of The Experience, and the readings and the music and the people, but there are not children or the history or a sense of carrying on my family history, or even the role that I feel I can have at the church.  I converted to Catholicism, found the Catholic Church and mass to be a constant as I moved to different cities across the country.  I met my husband and married at the church, and all three of our kids have been baptized in the Catholic Church.  When I entered the church, I knew that it was not perfect (for one small example, my priest stood me up for my first confession, because he had forgotten about me) -- it still is a different thing to have my daughter taught it.  But when I joined I also felt the concept of the "informed conscience" helped make it possible for me -- the idea that you should learn "the wisdom of the church" and "her teachings," but that ultimately you are still responsible to your conscience -- going along isn't enough.  Plenty of priests saluted the Nazi flag back in WWII, partly because there was a comfort level brought between the similarly hierarchical societies.

I worry that, while our priest sees "our secular society" as the deaf man who needs to be plugged into correct teachings, that sometimes it is our church that is deaf and that needs to be witness of the experience of the people to truly be able to apply Jesus' teaching of love, and what love means.

The Pope apparently wants a "smaller, more faithful" church.  I don't want to lose my spiritual inheritance because I have a different interpretation of the the underlying principles than the current regime in power.  And I have come to the conclusion that I can learn from people even if I don't agree with everything they say -- I just happen to believe that they can learn from me, and from others, as well.

And time to get rest.

Zoo 2

Audrey's face is covered with yougurt right now, and she is laughing about it with me.

I am so glad that I get the chance to be home with the kids.  Larry wanted to go to the zoo again today, so we did, and met my Dad.  So nice to be able to share the experience together.

Pancakes and Parks

This morning I made pancakes for the kids -- I actually usually do it pretty often, but it was the first time this week.  I feel like it makes a difference, and that they get a better start to the day.  Unfortunately, Larry couldn't find his favorite milk cup, so he spent precious minutes protesting the cup I gave him and  only ended up eating one pancake before it was time to take off.  I also had let them watch TV this morning for the first time this week -- their favorite show, Wild Kratts. I'm still trying to go for no TV after school (though last night we had on the first football game of the year and tonight we had the Democratic Convention), but I thought I'd try watching it in the morning and see how it went.  It is still hard to get them into the car on time.

I swam this morning after dropping Ia off at school -- and after coming home first and scrambling to find overdue library books, and getting frustrated because slightly under-the-weather Audrey cried uncontrollably when I went to put her back in her carseat.  "Baby, Mommy needs to exercise.  I'm sorry, but I do."  It was the first time I swam since having major breathing difficulties last week.  I started out intending to swim 24 laps, but finished the 35 to complete a mile.  Audrey was being held rather than exploring when I got back, and she cried again when I went to put her in her carseat, but I got to hold her and nurse in the library while Larry participated in story time at the library.  That ended up working out really well -- Larry got through the whole program this time (only 15 minutes last time), and he wasn't particularly disruptive to the other kids -- and he was engaged.  Afterwards we went into the library, where I picked up a couple of books on hold, and then went to the park, where we shared a banana and I met another mom with a 4 year old boy and a 21-month old girl.

I had intended to take the kids to Artbeast today, but while I was swimming felt I'd really rather have the afternoon at home with Ia, and read and make cookies.  Audrey didn't nap until Ia came home from early day (her last, if she takes Chinese all year), so I was able to follow through with that -- and fortunately Ia didn't seem to remember our original plans, and didn't complain about anything except not being able to eat more cookie dough.

She is really becoming a good reader.  I had picked up two books by the same author of another book that she liked, and we read the three picture books in order, Larry on one side, Ia on the other, both absorbed.  That was nice.

We all went to the park together after Dave got home, which was also nice, even though it was short because we wanted to get home to have dinner and be able to watch the political speeches.  A six-year old boy joined Ia and Larry on the tire swing, and it was fun to hear the three on them interact.  Afterwards they also played tag together, the new friend the fastest but all having fun.

Conflict tonight, but peace at the end before bedtime.

I've been nauseous the past few days (though I don't feel it right this minute), and I am in that time period before my period is due when it is possible that I could be pregnant and too early to test.  We were conscious of the possibility, which would bring a little sense of excitement to me and probably panic for Dave.  I just had my first post-pregnancy period last month, and it has been the first time in our married lives we've had to feel the weight of the possibility -- we were open to children from the day we got married (and got pregnant on our honeymoon), and hoped for 2 or 3 children, the first before I was 35, the last before I was 40.  Now we have exactly what we wanted (3, and I was 34, 37, and 39); having another child right now would be very difficult physically (gestational diabetes, a 4th C-section) and financially (we would need to buy a bigger car, for one) and most likely emotionally.  Larry loves his little sister but is adamant that he does not want another baby.  Dave agreed to be open, but thinks I'm crazy to want it -- and I guess under it all, I do want it, even though I agree intellectually we'd probably be better off if our family is complete.

Church teaching enters into all of it, too.  We've been getting missives telling us our marriage will not be complete if we contracept or if one of us is sterilized -- and, emotionally, unfortunately, that resonates with me -- but I also think it seems crazy to never be able to make a decision, and to go through anticipation and trepidation every month (or so) for the next 10+ years.  I'm glad we were open this month, and in some ways if I were to get pregnant again, this would be the best time, but I don't know if it makes sense for our marriage or our family or my health to stay open to it forever -- year the thought of closing the door permanently is still difficult to me.  I don't know what good it would do to be open to another pregnancy, however, if the stress broke our family apart.  I like to feel we would rise to the occasion and the joy would ultimately outweigh the difficulty -- and I cannot imagine our lives without Audrey -- but what if I did have a fourth?  Following the church's teaching, what would prevent us from ultimately having a fifth, as my friend is now doing?  Dave's grandparents had 14 children.  When can you say enough is enough, that it is the most loving thing to do to focus on the children that you have?

And now I should get some rest, to be able to take care of my family (and myself).

Going to the Zoo

Driving today to  the Sacramento Zoo,  under the trees branching over the midtown streets, the beginning of fall in the air, I felt happy and so aware of the fleetingness of this time I am spending with my children, how these different cycles come around but never quite the same way.

My 1-year old walked outside in shoes for the first time today, and was quite insistent about it once I took her out of her stroller.  It made it a little hard when there were great distances to cover --I picked her up and carried her then in spite of her struggling, so she could spend the time on her feet climbing up the old cement snake slide...

I have received a couple of disappointments lately where plans I had made did not come to fruition.  I'm trying to see the openness it can give to new plans, and to -- well, seek and treasure the relationships and opportunities and experiences around me.  It can feel especially dispiriting when it feels like the  opportunity for something you have worked for won't come around again, that you have lost momentum and striking when the iron is hot, especially when it can see like so much just to get through the days now -- even, especially as I am aware these days with young children will pass much too quickly.

I'm considering whether I want my oldest daughter to get involved in an activity that will mean an extra two hours a week away from each other. It may not seem like much, but we have just gone from 3 1/2 hours of school a day to 6 1/2 hours of school a day, and it is hard to get everything done and to spend any time together as it is.  I also want her to have downtime with her sister and brother.  It is hard when some of that downtime -- with me as well as with her siblings -- can be filled with conflict (especially with me, with a good portion of that time being taken up with responsibilities instead of fun, and with her brother -- just because).    When is it valid to say we should have time together, even if it is messy, even if it is stressful, even if you are potentially missing an opportunity that could enrich your life and help you in the long run?  But how can I protect some of that time together?

Growing up I sought my identity out of the house.  My oldest daughter is also 3 years younger than I was when my parents divorced and I moved every week with my youngest sister, and some of those activities, especially with performing, essentially became my home away from home, even as that "home" brought intense bonds that then dissolved and re-formed in new ways with the next show.

I want there to be a home at home.

And I need to get some sleep so that I have something to give tomorrow.

I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while, and now I finally want to start it!

Earlier I thought of the name "A Dragon Lives forever," knowing the next line (from "Puff the Magic Dragon") is "but not so little boys" as this year I will be spending full time with my 3-year old son (and my 1-year old daughter) while my oldest daughter is in school full time, knowing that the time of childhood does not last...

Today I thought of "Treasure," thinking "Where your treasure is, your heart shall be," thinking about where I want to put my time and energy -- and "Seeking" knowing that it can take effort to find the treasure sometimes, to stay in an uncomfortable place enough to get past the discomfort.

For example, trying to transform my house from a wreck to refuge.

And now my son needs my full attention again...but I have begun!