This morning I made pancakes for the kids -- I actually usually do it pretty often, but it was the first time this week. I feel like it makes a difference, and that they get a better start to the day. Unfortunately, Larry couldn't find his favorite milk cup, so he spent precious minutes protesting the cup I gave him and only ended up eating one pancake before it was time to take off. I also had let them watch TV this morning for the first time this week -- their favorite show, Wild Kratts. I'm still trying to go for no TV after school (though last night we had on the first football game of the year and tonight we had the Democratic Convention), but I thought I'd try watching it in the morning and see how it went. It is still hard to get them into the car on time.
I swam this morning after dropping Ia off at school -- and after coming home first and scrambling to find overdue library books, and getting frustrated because slightly under-the-weather Audrey cried uncontrollably when I went to put her back in her carseat. "Baby, Mommy needs to exercise. I'm sorry, but I do." It was the first time I swam since having major breathing difficulties last week. I started out intending to swim 24 laps, but finished the 35 to complete a mile. Audrey was being held rather than exploring when I got back, and she cried again when I went to put her in her carseat, but I got to hold her and nurse in the library while Larry participated in story time at the library. That ended up working out really well -- Larry got through the whole program this time (only 15 minutes last time), and he wasn't particularly disruptive to the other kids -- and he was engaged. Afterwards we went into the library, where I picked up a couple of books on hold, and then went to the park, where we shared a banana and I met another mom with a 4 year old boy and a 21-month old girl.
I had intended to take the kids to Artbeast today, but while I was swimming felt I'd really rather have the afternoon at home with Ia, and read and make cookies. Audrey didn't nap until Ia came home from early day (her last, if she takes Chinese all year), so I was able to follow through with that -- and fortunately Ia didn't seem to remember our original plans, and didn't complain about anything except not being able to eat more cookie dough.
She is really becoming a good reader. I had picked up two books by the same author of another book that she liked, and we read the three picture books in order, Larry on one side, Ia on the other, both absorbed. That was nice.
We all went to the park together after Dave got home, which was also nice, even though it was short because we wanted to get home to have dinner and be able to watch the political speeches. A six-year old boy joined Ia and Larry on the tire swing, and it was fun to hear the three on them interact. Afterwards they also played tag together, the new friend the fastest but all having fun.
Conflict tonight, but peace at the end before bedtime.
I've been nauseous the past few days (though I don't feel it right this minute), and I am in that time period before my period is due when it is possible that I could be pregnant and too early to test. We were conscious of the possibility, which would bring a little sense of excitement to me and probably panic for Dave. I just had my first post-pregnancy period last month, and it has been the first time in our married lives we've had to feel the weight of the possibility -- we were open to children from the day we got married (and got pregnant on our honeymoon), and hoped for 2 or 3 children, the first before I was 35, the last before I was 40. Now we have exactly what we wanted (3, and I was 34, 37, and 39); having another child right now would be very difficult physically (gestational diabetes, a 4th C-section) and financially (we would need to buy a bigger car, for one) and most likely emotionally. Larry loves his little sister but is adamant that he does not want another baby. Dave agreed to be open, but thinks I'm crazy to want it -- and I guess under it all, I do want it, even though I agree intellectually we'd probably be better off if our family is complete.
Church teaching enters into all of it, too. We've been getting missives telling us our marriage will not be complete if we contracept or if one of us is sterilized -- and, emotionally, unfortunately, that resonates with me -- but I also think it seems crazy to never be able to make a decision, and to go through anticipation and trepidation every month (or so) for the next 10+ years. I'm glad we were open this month, and in some ways if I were to get pregnant again, this would be the best time, but I don't know if it makes sense for our marriage or our family or my health to stay open to it forever -- year the thought of closing the door permanently is still difficult to me. I don't know what good it would do to be open to another pregnancy, however, if the stress broke our family apart. I like to feel we would rise to the occasion and the joy would ultimately outweigh the difficulty -- and I cannot imagine our lives without Audrey -- but what if I did have a fourth? Following the church's teaching, what would prevent us from ultimately having a fifth, as my friend is now doing? Dave's grandparents had 14 children. When can you say enough is enough, that it is the most loving thing to do to focus on the children that you have?
And now I should get some rest, to be able to take care of my family (and myself).
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