Going to the Zoo

Driving today to  the Sacramento Zoo,  under the trees branching over the midtown streets, the beginning of fall in the air, I felt happy and so aware of the fleetingness of this time I am spending with my children, how these different cycles come around but never quite the same way.

My 1-year old walked outside in shoes for the first time today, and was quite insistent about it once I took her out of her stroller.  It made it a little hard when there were great distances to cover --I picked her up and carried her then in spite of her struggling, so she could spend the time on her feet climbing up the old cement snake slide...

I have received a couple of disappointments lately where plans I had made did not come to fruition.  I'm trying to see the openness it can give to new plans, and to -- well, seek and treasure the relationships and opportunities and experiences around me.  It can feel especially dispiriting when it feels like the  opportunity for something you have worked for won't come around again, that you have lost momentum and striking when the iron is hot, especially when it can see like so much just to get through the days now -- even, especially as I am aware these days with young children will pass much too quickly.

I'm considering whether I want my oldest daughter to get involved in an activity that will mean an extra two hours a week away from each other. It may not seem like much, but we have just gone from 3 1/2 hours of school a day to 6 1/2 hours of school a day, and it is hard to get everything done and to spend any time together as it is.  I also want her to have downtime with her sister and brother.  It is hard when some of that downtime -- with me as well as with her siblings -- can be filled with conflict (especially with me, with a good portion of that time being taken up with responsibilities instead of fun, and with her brother -- just because).    When is it valid to say we should have time together, even if it is messy, even if it is stressful, even if you are potentially missing an opportunity that could enrich your life and help you in the long run?  But how can I protect some of that time together?

Growing up I sought my identity out of the house.  My oldest daughter is also 3 years younger than I was when my parents divorced and I moved every week with my youngest sister, and some of those activities, especially with performing, essentially became my home away from home, even as that "home" brought intense bonds that then dissolved and re-formed in new ways with the next show.

I want there to be a home at home.

And I need to get some sleep so that I have something to give tomorrow.